I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. During the week im usually still awake when he gets home, he will usually get home right before we put the baby down for bed. He is expecting you to give in to him. He is probably cheating too but I dont care or try to know or find out. I went in my own for years. Or errands. You will never regret standing up for yourself. It was a combination of things. I said to him that I just do not want to be disrespected anymore. The year this was going on my H came home from a business trip and I am saying we can get past this and he is saying I dont want to be married to you anymore. And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. Two steps forward and one step back as they say. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. Before that could happen, we had a 2 week Hawaiian vacation planned, and the day we returned my mom died! I needed to save myself first for my sake and that if my children. My CH has an exceptionally hard head. The longer the fog goes on, the more damage that is done to the marriage. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I literally thought my H started using drugs he was so out of character. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. They are just blinded at the moment. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. Read up on the 180. It may not be in every case. I know where you are right now. Determined to make my life happy again. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. I thought we reconciled. I simply took away the device my H was using to play a game. When I did it, he didnt argue and he didnt even attempt to sneak back on there, but it didnt break his stupidity fog. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. Maybe Im totally wrong. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. I keep drawing back to all the good memories and it makes me sad that my kids have such a dysfunctional secretive father who is likely now showing his true colours. He was still cheating. Not only that the cheater may not come back, but if the cheater does come back, trying to resolve all of that is difficult. No craziness. Nothing to do with anything you do or do not do. Even though he kept telling me how great our marriage was and how happy he was he asked for a divorce. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. Thats terrifying. I was shaking I was so angry. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. When all I want is to do things with HIM and the baby, like we would have been doing prior to all of this. Then he went on again to say he would be out of the house asap and asked how we will go about scheduling the baby. I told him I know you email her. You have tried. I learned that sometimes, as painful as it is, you have to let people make bad choices. He is dressing differently and acting differently too..he even updated Facebook to show in a relationship with her before others even knew we were separated then he deleted me and blocked me since unblocked me hasnt added me again. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. I want to be me. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. It helps him continue the affair. Given equal emotional connection, his investment in his wife and family is much more important than any investment in the OW. I want him to fight for us. Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. Coach assigns us a book to read together. Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes, and Coping Tips - HelpGuide.org He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. But lied about it and snuck around. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. Something. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. Even though I know right now I have every right to if I want to, to see if im being lied to and kick his ass out, but I just am again, TRYING to stick to this 180, and if I can stick to it and somehow show him with my actions that I am doing my own thing, maybe he will become curious. I havent heard from him today, which is upsetting because normally he would text in the morning. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. NO YELLING! During the conversation, you do not yell or get upset. He got upset and said that is what he wants but he doesnt want it on someone elses terms. Surely her life was more important my jealousy. Although he has been. Dress nicely and just leave the house for several hours. No yelling. Mid-Life Crisis Q&A-Sarah | The Hearts Blessing Presents Series Wow! You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. And I wonder if he will be with her if we permanently split, even though when I bring her up he says things about her as if he doesnt care about her, but I think back to the texts I read between them in January and I just want to melt away. So he waffles between the singles night at the bar life and being M at his convenience. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. i know its allowing him to cake eat and have things very easy, but I just have to focus on only myself and the baby for now. DDay 2 was my turning point. I can tell from what you have posted you truly understand this is all his doing. That evening my H came home, I showed him the bills and said This sh*t stops NOW! He looked remorseful, and then surprised as I took his phone, put it on speaker phone, called her and said Deanna, this is Kelly and Im calling to tell you to STOP TEXTING MY HUSBAND. Big difference! But sometimes we dont say much of anything and I usually do my own thing just trying to back off him. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. He wouldnt show me his phone but said hes absolutely not speaking to her and hasnt in almost a month. Typical cheater move by the way blame everyone else. Creston Ah yes, the affair fog. He commits to reconciliation and helping you heal AND being the guy you married. Our 25th anniversary came around and HE planned a really nice overnight at a top hotel. Who cares about that? Do not let him blame you for any results b/c that is blameshifting and cheaters love to cast the Blame for their A on everyone else. I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. Once you feel in control over your life, with him or without him, the panic will start to subside. Linda: Yes. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. Then he texted me and said he would be out of the house asap and said so you dont think im fit to be a part of the babys life?.and when he says things like this I dont understand bc I never said that. I changed the locks before he got home, and sent his dad to tell him not to come back unless he was willing to end the affair. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. I wish I had not been so trusting. Some days feel good, and some days feel like absolute torture, and I dont know if its in my head and I make it worse by getting in a weird mood, or what. And my job is busy, but clearly im still constantly thinking of this. Or just dont engage with him except about finances and your baby. I didnt think I was being needy at all, but after reading somethings I see that thats exactly how ive been. So sorry for you. Make him wonder what kind of life you have going on without him. It would not surprise me though. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. You get a % of his pay for alimony and child support. Does your H have ADHD or ADD? It has been two years and I feel like my own fog is finally starting to lift. He says he felt like I controlled everything and everything we did was on my terms and I didnt respect him, etc etc. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. He texted me again the next morning asking when he could see the baby and I offered for him to see her that night, and he again apologized for the things he said to me. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. If he goes running off to the OW well that is on him!!! Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way. But it is a calm rational approach. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). Divorce. What Is a Midlife Crisis: Signs, Causes And How To Cope With It I would find my poker face, investigated, laid low until I could see with my own 2 eyes whether it was indeed friendship that went to far or more. midlife Friday Facts And Features Midlife It I can tell you I wa lucky they did for me. Your email address will not be published. If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. You may have to end the conversation if he continues the lies b/c you will go nowhere. They chat and text each, each night. do you have any advice to what more to do? Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. This is not fair or good for you to live in limbo. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. Which in my head makes me think hes telling OW like ya im at the house for the baby but I sleep on the couch. After a couple of months, if theyre still continuing the affair and in the fog, you have to start changing your behavior somehow. I have been begging her to stop contacting him and give me a chance to show her i can be the one she fell in love with. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. I was stronger when this first started. Please know it is typical cheater behavior. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. I was not the cause of his unhappiness. He admits now that my requests to please call if late was very reasonable. If not see ya. He was in constant contact with me, video calls etc. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. It just feels so wrong, I feel like we will end up hating eachother. Not to end his A. Just my two cents. He became a different person overnight. It took me 20+ years to get my H to see that his behavior was disrespectful. It was the principle of it. Hahaha so for 30 years I treated you like a king with love and respect b/c I wanted to spite my parents? I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. But I also dont want to be a doormat. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. He was no longer a bit arrogant. But there was nothing I could say or do to change his thinking or behavior. Im sure thats all I will hear from him today. EVERYTHING seems fine until I start to think about the OW and the fact that he may still be talking to her and disrespecting me to my face. You told him the lifestyle he wants isnt fair. You are stronger than you think. You are not going to change him. He does his own thing and he encourages you to spend time alone but that you do not see him trying to spend time together as a family. Leave me out of the equation. After dealing with my Hs frustrating behaviors, affair fog, continuing to see OW and blaming me for everything wrong in his life, I used to go to my wonderfully fabulous thetapist who would put me on the right path. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. Eventually I made him realize he had to leave the house. You need to get strong in your marriage by having self confidence and the willingness to change. Lunches everyday, hours of flirting, even when on vacation with us when I was pregnant with my first son. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. You barely communicate. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). That is the first issue. Walk on D-day and dont look back. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. In my case, I am the CS. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. Its called the Plan B. I redefined my role as his W. I do not back down any more. Most of the time, because of the kids, I acted like nothing was happening. Trying to help them. When I called back about an hour later, same secretary said, they are still at lunch, they usually take a couple of hours when they go out. But I was being calm and level headed. Even if its just her and I and he isnt here, I want to do what I want to do, and not constantly feel pressure to be busy and be out of the house just to make him wonder. That they are friends. 25 years I loved him and have him the best and that is what he told me!! Im not saying D him. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. You need a lawyer, accountant or financial planner and counselor and minister or priest (if you have one) and a good support team for you and your daughter. Our life stayed secure. Dont be surprised if he either refuses or goes just to shut you up. in the comment section below. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. He came over last night to see the baby and I went out to dinner with friends. which is exactly what he was doing when he was working out of town, hence how he met the bartender OW. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. Especially when it used to be ALL he cared about. I chose to REPEATEDLY try and try and try. Any advice will be appreciated, thank you. If you want her be a man, own it and move out. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. Suggestion on a new approach: speak with a professional. Protect yourself. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. Sometimes when he says things to me, theyre so horrible, I literally sit there silent and wonder WHAT AM I DOING? I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. I like him at home, so its SO hard to feel like I have to tell him to leave. 5 years later we reconciled and we are happy. He wont answer questions. It is not new behavior. Well that stopped after DDay2. Which I get bc I feel the same way. It reminds me of when he was first seeing OW, he would do ANYTHING to be out of the house and away from me, even if it wasnt to see her. Then they go back to their affair partner and talk about it. Continue to work on yourself both mentally and physically and prepare for the long road ahead and for the possibility that the relationship wont make it. YOU let him contact you. Right now I can only go off what we discussed Sunday, which was us not working on things, separating, him looking for his own place, and supposedly not staying at home. I made that poor choice and I let him justify his A as my fault. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. I find out later that there was a girl on the trip with them and he was sleeping with her before Paris , in Paris and after Paris. My therapist saved my sanity and was a good fit. Not open to discussion. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. I really hope I can follow your advice, Im going to reread your response over and over. I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. They always make me feel so much better. Wait and see what happens. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. QUESTION? He chooses to go out 4-5 nights per week to the bars and hang out with people you do not even know. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. This whole situation is so emotionally draining. You MUST have a plan B. But 5 years later after DDay we have a great M. None of the past issues have resurfaced. I cannot understand. My husband is a liar he has been his whole life . Calm and rational. That new love attraction or high. He goes on to whine about how he has no friends at work except her. I am not sure how this works. Get your plan B together now. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. Im sorry for rambling! Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). To this day, I resent the younger OW more, even though my CH had a PA with the somebody else. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! He also showed me somehow that he was making amends every single day. Stronger yes, but much more guarded, almost jaded. Youre absolutely right, they are twins! You can kick him out, 180 him and have no contact as much as possible. I do not do his laundry or errands or cater to him. He basically blew me off and just kept saying ok whatever ok whatever. Here we are almost 9 years later and its like he has completely forgotten who I am, and I am finding it hard to be myself when I feel like im losing a limb. They have NO reason not to. And I didnt, and I will always regret that. I just think as long as he is with her I cant move forward and why her?? You are not HIS support system and back up plan. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. Im not saying he is cheating now. I demanded a post nup. But it was the most defining moment b/c I took back my power and restored my self esteem. And one day if this continues you will throw in the towel on him. His behavior appears to be those of an addict / whether drugs, alcohol, etc whatever. And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. I hope all is well!!! And I just have to stick to my guns I guess, as hard as it is. He is just too cowardly to say it. Respond only if you have to. You remain calm. That she loved me. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. Separate. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. On the upside, later I talked about how all of those there were married, except a widow, sadly single, and his wicked divorced female cousin. I can tell you that DDay 2 for him was a real eye opener. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. I know I am a good wife, I know he has loved me TO DEATH until all of this, I know this OW in reality does not hold a candle to me. I wish you could get out of this nightmare somehow. I drew a firm boundary and said that I wanted to work on saving our relationship. We would be more intimate. We have somewhat similar stories. But in a lot of cases and again, you cant generalize I think youre right. I know it does. That was 20 years ago. The signs are there. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! No self respecting person jumps into another Relationship the next day. GOSHHHHH. Im not the source of his problems, although he has made it like I am. But i do feel like he tests me, does that seem plausible? But acting them out is a whole other story. A 2 time looser. Unless and until the CS decides to end it. Let them talk. Strong focused and determined. 2. He does not deserve you do not allow this man to treat you this way ever get rid of him and find someone that will love you care for you and respect you. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! If this works, it does, but Im going to prepare myself if I am not going to be in this marriage., I also wish I would have just said, You are in this affair. So I appeased him b/c I did not think we would last and I wanted my financial protection. Yes! And I read these things and just cant seem to accomplish it. Money in your own name. Its EXHAUSTING. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. I am so not ready to go down that road. But at this juncture you dont have much of a choice. If he holds this against you then he is a twisted and sick person and then you need to run far away. I am a bit older than you (my children are teens) but here is my observation. Right now you are fearful of losing him. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. He would be the VERY LAST guy you would suspect!!! Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. Imagine how awful that was calling the OW and asking for answers as to why your H is acting crazy. I begged and apologized. Asking no questions is good too (and smart). You are his wife. Long story short, I was willing to forgive him but he couldnt cut her off. My H thought I would just take him back after his 3rd time asking for a D in 6 months, leaving me hanging and in limbo and letting me believe we R while he was still cheating. He then apologized for all the things he said to me and said he is just sick of fighting about something that isnt happening (him talking to her). Wait for him sure. What have I done here?. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. I want him to know the door is open for him to leave, im not keeping him here. It can make your head spin. See where it goes. But if I say that he says WE DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? I was very calm and rational. Ive always been a quick fixer so its hard to give her space. Dont we wish we could go back and have a do over. WebMidlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out of midlife crisis Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. That is your next step after plan B is in place. The funny thing is I feel like that started happening when I shifted my focus on my own well being and took a bit of a step back from it all. If you want to be with her then youre going to make that choice and im not going to stand in your way. and he said I was wrong again and I just let it go because I have no proof. He KNOWS he is free to go. Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. I had an excellent therapist but I was sure he was leaving and I had no $ and children. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. am i answering his texts the right way?.All things I NEVER cared about before. He calls me or keys me know if his damn train is late. Maybe I should give myself a time limit of trying the 180 FULL FORCE, and if nothing changes after a month or so maybe I need to tell him to leave, if by then he hasnt. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. This is a man who loved me more than he loved himself. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Or stop him from cheating. Selfish. He beefed for another chance. Doug: Yes. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. I confronted her about it as well as her lackluster effort. In the last 7 months he has moved out, moved back, moved out again, tried starting over with me, swore to never speak to her, spoke to her, had relations with her, tried to work things out with me, moved out again, etc etc. He said he did not want to be controlled. I want to show confidence, I want to do the 180 and truly DO it and live my life to show him im still the woman he fell in love with, but I cant seem to do that. So your H has chosen a different lifestyle. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. Get your plan B together b/c I fear you may need it. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. Thats the part that stays unforgivable. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. When you become less available you may see a change. My world fell apart that day..there is no way I had the where with all to pull my husband out of his fog. The only thing I can say is that I did not make a fool of myself or start drinking or acting like I was having a midlife crisis. However that should not stop you from insisting he sign some type of an agreement that will have him pay child support for his children for as long as necessary. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. Mine also admitted to me that he was having an EA, and cried and told me he was scared. I made sure he knew if he sat at the dinner table with me and children it was a privilege and a gift and dont count on it. Sometimes I think he does things to test how I will react. I have been in your shoes. You have made some very valid and crucial points: This guy is testing you (I believe he is) and not for any good reason IMO. He is here every night, I dont really have any reason to think there is someone he is seeing, but clearly anything can happen.
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